The Weakest Me

"Do you ever have a problem in your life?"

"Why are you always smiling?"

"I like your 'No problem' attitude!"

"He always say 'Don't worry, it's okay!'"

These are the questions or comments that often times I received from people around me. Well, this is just one part of me.

People seldom see my weakest side which I always hiding! Probably pride is the main reason why I am hiding them; not willing to show the weakest me! Secondly, my assumption also one of the contributing factors; assuming people will not understand my weakness and also assuming on how people is going to look at me with my weakness!

What makes me or give me the courage today to write out this post about my weakness? Maybe because I am too tired of hiding and little by little of the tiredness that built up slowly in me eventually it would hurt badly someday, as now it's already hurting! 

I never pretend to be someone I am not; what you see is what you get especially the bright side of me! Therefore I am not pretending to be positive by hiding my weakest side. Nope!

I always make mistake and I am learning from my every mistakes to be a better person. Meantime, I always encourage people not to be disappointed by the mistake that they made because it can help them to be a better person BUT every time when I make mistake, I allow people to penalize me and I allow myself to accept my failure uglily and carry the heavy guilt by blaming myself and keep apologizing! But why? Why am I so harsh to myself? When people make mistake and they don't even bother to care how someone's feel and yet they can live they life as if like nothing happen!

Sometimes, I need to carry the guilt of something that I shouldn't be blame for. Maybe it is my mistake to be a people pleaser and the 'yes' man! Always being kind and gentle and always genuine but yet my emotionally is abuse badly and often my kindness and my gentleness are taken granted for!

As an extrovert, love to mix around and like to talk a lot has slowly turning into myself into an introvert because I am not willing to risk another painful event!

I know that I shouldn't be living in my guilt but the pain is just too real. I know God will see me through, He will and all I need now is His strength!